Live-Action Lepers #1 ("Brain Squeezers" - Victorious)

Holy hell, this episode took a lot out of me when it first aired. I remember thinking it was the worst Victorious episode I had ever seen at the time, and looking back, I'm more conflicted now. I've seen it again and it's not as bad as it was when I saw it the first time. But it's still painful and I never want to watch it again. If I'm actively trying to avoid an episode of a good show, then that means it's exceptionally bad because I have the tendency to watch episodes over and over. This is coming from someone who doesn't even bat an eyelash at modern-day SpongeBob. Yes, I don't mind the post-movie episodes. Not every one is a standout and the more recent ones are capable of putting me to sleep, but I don't have a passionate hatred for them like many other people do. With that being said, here's "Brain Squeezers." In 22 minutes, Dan Schneider and Warren Bell caught everything wrong with the fourth season of Victorious in a bottle and displayed it prominently for the viewer to see.

We start off the proceedings with Tori, Andre, Cat, Jade, and Robbie at the Asphalt Cafe having lunch. Jade spits on her fries so Tori can't have them, and Cat is on the phone listening to music because she's on hold with somebody. She's thinking this person could be her true love because of their awesome music tastes, and when Robbie comments, Cat tells him to shut up. Didn't these two kiss for the first time a few episodes before this? If the writers don't want to take Cat and Robbie seriously, we shouldn't either. And in a way, it doesn't seem like Robbie really needs a person like Cat in his life. By the end of this scene, you'll know why. Tori is excited because she's been selected to take part in a new game show called Brain Squeezers, and she's even been selected as team captain. Apparently, no one's ever heard of this game show at all, and it wasn't hard for Tori to get on it because......she's Tori. With the mentioning of big money going to the winning team, everyone starts jocking Tori for a spot on her team, even though none of them were even interested in the game show just a moment ago. Even Jade is interested, but she more or less blackmails Tori into letting her on the team. Sinjin takes a fry that has Jade's DNA on it because he's Sinjin, and when it's apparent that Cat has been on hold for a while, we get this line from Robbie when he checks her phone:

"You're not even on the phone! You're listening to music from your playlist!"

I'm not that kind of guy usually, but I really don't remember Cat being that stupid. When Victorious was an active show, I started to notice that Cat's antics were getting less charming and more idiotic with every little thing she did. I think the dumbest thing she ever did was buy a Wahoo Punch from the vending machine and throw it away immediately. When Jade questioned her about it, she said she wasn't thirsty. I know it's hard to make dumb characters work, but why have them if you can't make them interesting? The thing is, Cat literally wasn't that stupid when the show began. She was just a little ditzy. But when flanderization kicks in and there's only so much you can do to give a character on a teen sitcom like Victorious a backstory, there's no hope.

The storyline with the gang trying to be on Tori's team continues, as Robbie decides to do good deeds for Tori like clean her locker and lend her money, but when neither works, he makes her locker dirty. Cat also tries to get on the team......in her own stupid way. Beck is pretty vague about it for a while, and I got to say, when he did come out with it, it didn't make him look all too desperate. Nice use of character consistency, Dan and Warren. Trina somehow heard that Tori was going to be on Brain Squeezers, and I'm going to assume she's buttering Tori up for the shot at the cash prize. But this is Trina we're dealing with. Maybe she just wants to be on TV? Or both? I wouldn't put it past the chick. Of course, Tori refuses to be swayed by anybody, and Jade comes over with a sob story that we all know is fake. When this episode first aired, I didn't see this part so I literally thought that Tori was going to fall for it. But she didn't, and Jade reveals that the winning team gets exactly $10,000 to split. So what does Jade want? Her slice of the money, even though these two have been rivals since day one. Both Trina and Jade feel entitled to a spot on the Brain Squeezers team, and in response, Tori chooses her team on the spot: Beck, Andre, and Robbie. Well, they were asking for it.

Now here's where things start to move into Leper territory: Tori goes to the studio where Brain Squeezers will be filmed to sign in with her team, but it's revealed that Tori has already signed in. Cat, Trina, and Sinjin are also there because of......convenience? I guess. Apparently, Jade impersonated as Tori and made a fake I.D., effectively stealing her team. Tori has no identification to prove she's herself, so she has to captain Cat, Trina, and Sinjin. You know, it says a lot how Jade was more prepared for this than Tori herself. Tori should've at least guessed Jade would be up to something and brought identification. Even if Jade wasn't planning anything, at least BRING IDENTIFICATION SO THIS COULD HAVE BEEN AVOIDED!!! In real life, they probably would have asked for I.D. so once again, Tori looks like a punk next to Jade.

Trust me, we haven't even seen the worst of it. Watching it again, Brain Squeezers appears to be a parody of zany game shows that rely on style more than substance. It could also be a shot taken at Nickelodeon, as they just don't have the touch for game shows anymore. I'm pretty sure Dan was making fun of BrainSurge. Even so, some of the best game shows of all-time came from Nickelodeon. Double Dare, Legends of the Hidden Temple, Guts, etc. These are shows that are historic and will be remembered for a pretty long time. So if you're going to do a parody of these wacky game shows, at least know what the hell you're trying to do. Because it seems like the focus is also on Tori getting everything because she's the main character. Boy, I don't know what's more painful: Watching this episode or analyzing it.

Jade's real name is shown on the show even though she clearly signed in as Tori. So I'm guessing it was worked out? I don't get it. Robbie gets a question wrong about animals, and when he does, he gets doinked. Getting doinked means to go through some kind of physical torture. Robbie gets pus blasted in his face, and ends up blinded in one of his eyes. Trina gets a question wrong, and nuts and bolts are dropped all over her head, which ends up bleeding. This is basically the running gag of the episode, but it's not funny at all and very uncomfortable to watch. When I first watched this, I didn't laugh at all. It just got sadder to look at as it went on. The game show host clearly is enjoying himself, and doesn't give a damn about physically endangering human beings on television for amusement. I swear, some of the stuff here is freaking dangerous and could lead to the characters getting hospitalized and/or killed. Cat gets punched in the face twice by a boxing glove, Beck is whacked in the gut by a bowling ball attached to a stick/bat, and Jade gets salt dropped on her. Andre gets batteries dropped on him for no reason even though Jade got the wrong answer, and the host reacts by dropping batteries on Jade. Beck says that the host might as well drop a car battery on Jade if he's going this low, and guess what? HE DOES!!!

The worst part about "Brain Squeezers" is the characters point out more than once that this is a dangerous situation, but the host and the studio audience could care less. If you're doing a parody about the absurdity of game shows, you're better off not acknowledging what's going on. That makes the parody weak and makes the viewer question why it was even done to begin with. TORTURING CHARACTERS LIKE THIS IS NOT FUNNY. You're just pandering to the lowest common denominator when you do that. Say what you want about post-movie SpongeBob, but at least they never did an episode where characters are brutally assaulted by various objects for entertainment. And if they did, it was almost always just one character being abused. We're witnessing pretty much the entire main cast suffer FOR NO DAMN REASON!!! You could say Jade deserved it, but after the car battery, I started to think that this was so over-the-top, it was written just for Dan to entertain himself because he was running on fumes that particular week. We can't laugh at this if it's painfully obvious that the characters are suffering. A game show like this CAN NOT EXIST IN REAL LIFE. If network executives saw the pilot of this, they would probably arrest the host on the spot and he will never see daylight again because rest assured, his ass is dying in prison. Brain Squeezers has literally no purpose being on television AT ALL. The characters are clearly being asked questions they can't answer so they can be tortured on purpose. So yeah, if you don't like Victorious very much, you'll either dislike it more and think it's stupid, or enjoy the fact the characters are being punished this way. I'm guessing the former.

By the way, Sinjin got hit in the head with a full-size toilet because according to the host, things like that go wrong. THESE PEOPLE WILL BE DEAD THANKS TO YOU, YOU PSYCHOPATHIC IGNORAMUS!!!!

So in the climax, we can visibly see that all characters are suffering physically one way or another from being doinked. Once again, they are all being put in this position on purpose. It's pretty unlikely that none of them would be able to answer anything. Hey, look at that. Tori hasn't been doinked at all because this is her show. The characters even point out the lack of sense in that fact, but now it's time for the big winning question. Cat gets it right from having learned about the subject earlier in the episode, and Tori's team is now $10,000 richer. I'm just going to assume this was the only question answered correctly. The host says that all Tori has to do is take the money home, and I think we all know what happens next. She's put face down on the floor and is purposefully squished by our special guest star and former WWE Superstar Rikishi. If you watch the episode, it's almost impossible for Tori to have any chance of grabbing the money, and she only had ten seconds. Guess what? She fails, and the episode ends with Rikishi still squishing Tori for no good reason.

I'm not even going to point out how that last challenge made absolutely no sense because you probably get it too. When I started writing this review, I was conflicted over whether or not this was the worst Victorious episode I had ever seen. I think I've seen every episode of the show at this point, and here's my answer: IT IS. Without any shadow of a doubt. Writing this up and looking at "Brain Squeezers" a third time made me realize that. It's not normal for a show like this to decline that bad. The first two seasons were great, the third season was kind of spotty but the show still had a certain appeal, and the fourth season was garbage. It's not like iCarly where the decline just happened, it was a little more gradual on this show but still pretty bad. Several fourth season episodes had ridiculous plots that didn't make any sense, awkward attempts at humor, and a self-imposed tagline that said: "We know this doesn't make any sense, but we're doing it anyway because we don't respect your intelligence." The worst part is, the third season was split in half for some reason so this wasn't even meant to be season four at all. In a way, the season doesn't exist. If S3 hadn't been split, the originally tolerable season would have made Victorious' decline ten times worse than iCarly's. Think about it. That's really sad.

 "Brain Squeezers" is a textbook example of why live-action for kids/teenagers is nothing like it used to be. It's just a Cast Torture Porn that's hardly even funny, the game show makes no sense at all and has very little realistic basis, and we got a cheap ending because Tori hadn't been doinked yet and the money couldn't have at least been a small victory. If the host got everything he dished out at the end, or some form of punishment, it would have made up for this poor excuse of a program. But it never happened and I was left wondering why I was still watching the show. At least a month later, the show ended so the decline couldn't get any worse, albeit that episode sucked too.

ADDITIONAL NOTES: Apparently, "The Slap Fight" was the last episode produced for Victorious. If it were up to me, I would have lobbied for "One Thousand Berry Balls" to be the last episode aired. Interestingly enough, it was the next-to-last episode produced for the show. It just has a sense of closure to it. The song is celebratory, and there was a Cat/Robbie moment in there too.

The Marvin Marvin episode that came after Victorious was ten times funnier and at least there was some kind of lesson in it that made sense. In fact, Marvin Marvin was pretty much better than Victorious every week. I loved Marvin Marvin, and considering I didn't even want to give it a chance at first, that says something. Too bad it got cancelled after one season. I would rather have that show than Sam & Cat.

"Brain Squeezers," I'm afraid you're nothing more than a LIVE ACTION LEPER!!!

Next Laudatory Live-Action: Maybe Full House. They had more than a handful.

Next Live-Action Leper: Why don't you decide?

"Brain Squeezers" was co-written by Dan Schneider and Warren Bell. It was directed by Clayton Boen, and originally aired on Nickelodeon on January 12, 2013. It was watched by 2.7 million people.

Intro, Which Means I Start It

Hello everybody. My name is Mekii Kauapirura, but you can call me Mike Anderson. And to help keep me occupied during the summer, I'm starting my very own blog called Live-Action Lepers. This blog is meant to criticize bad episodes of bad shows, bad episodes of good shows, or bad episodes of shows that were declining at the time. I'm heavily inspired by The Mysterious Mr. Enter and his two cartoon-based series (Animated Atrocities and Admirable Animation).

Now, unlike Mr. Enter, I'm all for taking requests. My range of live-action shows isn't limited, but I want to let the readers know that they're involved in the process of the show as well. I don't know how long I'll be doing this or how many episodes you get each week. Maybe one because I'm also going to do Laudatory Live-Action, which salutes great episodes of good shows, great episodes of relatively bad shows, and great episodes of shows suffering through Seasonal Rot. I think I might have more material for this blog, however. So feel free to ask me which Live-Action Leper I should do for the second installment.

I wanted to enter the whole TV show reviewing thing for a while because, I love television. I take it seriously and I'm very interested in the current landscape of animation. I'm also very interested in the current landscape of live-action teen sitcoms, more so than animation. This is also meant to differentiate from my contemporaries, as not many people choose to focus on live-action series at all. If anything, animation is more complex than live-action because there's so much you can do in that field. So it's very easy to point out the flaws and high points of live-action shows. For the most part, I'll focus on teen sitcoms, but I'll also focus on classic shows like Who's the Boss? and Full House, black sitcoms like The Parkers, and who knows? If it's live-action, I won't have a problem doing it. Your requests might help me find new shows to bash or start watching. I'm also very interested in hip-hop music so you'll probably see me leave a song at the bottom of every post that you might listen to. And if you don't, check it out.

I'm just warning you beforehand: My opinions may shock you. I actually have television knowhow but my tastes are kinda eccentric so you might be surprised what I think is worthy of Laudatory Live-Action. So why don't we get to it then with my first choice for Live-Action Lepers?

Song for the Mind: "Can I Get It, Yo" by Run-DMC (Down With the King; 1993)